Coming Out on Facebook...

Whoopsie.  That is often what I say to when I do something not as planned, that may have unintended consequences.  Usually when I say whoopsie I hear Jim take a big deep sigh...if I dare to make eye contact I usually get a glimpse of tempered frustration.  I often wonder if the longer we are married the less tempered that look will be and eventually become a look of outright disgust...

So...whoopsie.  Yes I did it again- although Jim doesn't know about this one yet and as long as he doesn't read my Facebook or my blog I doubt he will.  I think I accidentally, inadvertently "came out" on Facebook this morning.  I was reading a blog post, http://www.hannahweptsarahlaughed.com/2011/09/im-0-weeks-and-craving-a-baby/, on the newest Facebook meme (click on the word if you don't know its meaning, which I didn't- I had to look it up and thus providing the link) - the whole "I'm 10 weeks and craving peanuts" status update thing.  I, like the woman who wrote the blog, was more than a little annoyed and hurt about it.  It wasn't until my Mom, whom in addition to being well past child bearing age and several years past a hysterectomy, posted it on her status did I catch on it wasn't real.

I enjoyed this woman's blog post so much that I shared it and then my cousin replied to that "praying for you".  I immediately was pissed.  I thought- I didn't say I was infertile, I didn't say it bothered me to see those status updates I was simply posting that there are more effective ways to deliver a message and that this one was careless and thoughtless.  Then I worried that people would think we were having trouble conceiving and that Jim would be angry I put it out there for the world to see.  WHOOPSIE.  Then I thought...so? (well not "so" that Jim would be angry, but "so- who cares if the world knows we are now, technically and medically speaking, "infertile". 

For the past few months I have been tip toeing around all those well meaning folks who constantly ask "when are you going to have kids".  I've been reigning in extreme angry when my Mom and friends keep saying "relax, it will happen", "you are too uptight" or "you can't plan everything Sharon".  Actually, scientifically speaking, planning conception is incredibly easy and attainable for most.  Hell, I was "certified" to artificially inseminate cattle at the age of 15- I know exactly how easy it is to achieve pregnancy when properly planning- and besides everyone I know seems to be planning and achieving this quite easily right now. 

For weeks I've been crying during church when Pastor seems to delight in praying for all the fertile women in our church and the abundance of blessings with the babies that seem to be popping out right and left.  I've endured embarrassing tests, the breaking down of my personal medical history, Jim's medical history and our sex life (remember folks- still newlyweds).  And from what we understand it will only get worse. I've had to distance myself from pregnant friends, not because I wasn't happy for them- but because I was so incredibly unhappy for us that the thought of seeing a pregnant woman who wasn't me made me burst into tears.  Facebook is literally a minefield that I carefully navigate so as to not cause mid-day crying...but like an accident on the side of the road, I can't help looking and reading all those posts from the numerous pregnant couples online. 

But through it all the one consistent emotion I have experienced is shame.  Shame that I am unable to be a big enough person to publicly delight with my friends in their joys.  Shame that I am angry most of the time.  Shame that sometimes I get REALLY angry with God and shame that I can't even speak freely about this with most everyone I have always depended on and trusted. 

It seems that infertility is that "secret disease" that no one speaks of...and when you do its in quite hushed voices.  Almost like AIDS was, and in some way still is- "what kind of lifestyle did they live that can't have kids?".  I remember my Mom calling me once to tell me a friend I went to high school with had "finally gotten pregnant- but you know she had to have shots to get pregnant". So?  I haven't really spoken to anyone about it- and whenever I have I get simplistic answers like "oh- its just a matter of taking some medication and it will happen" or "relax" or "adopt- everyone who adopts then has kids on their own".  Really? Would you think to tell a cancer patient just to relax and then it will be ok? Do you tell them its so easy to fix? And no- I am not comparing infertility to cancer- but why is it ok for those who are sick to ask for prayers and those who can't conceive just get a "oh I'm sorry" and you never hear anything from anyone again. 

So yes- Jim and I are technically "infertile" and no- we don't know what we can do, we don't know why and most likely will never know why.  And that is ok.  Where we go from here is not up to us, but to God.  All we can ask for is your prayers and your understanding if we don't react the way you think is appropriate.  And I will offer my apologies to my friends that I just can't communicate with right now...I hope you understand. 

So...instead of posting "I'm 12 weeks and craving chocolate" on your Facebook- why don't you post a link to charity or event that has true personal meaning to you.  Maybe it will actually led to a better understanding of the issue...