We aren't "Blessed" because of the Spratties

James & Laura enjoying a "drop" in the bucket

 These kids are my life.  Together, with Jim, they make my life on Earth as wonderful as can be.  Add in our farm and the menagerie of animals that I collect, life is amazing (not perfect, but amazing).  In fact most people would call us blessed.  Blessed is a common hashtag now, and while I hope I have never used it as a hashtag, I know I have frequently called us blessed because of our children and our current life situation.  In fact one year ago today I wrote this Facebook post...

Four years ago Jim and I were in Gainesville transferring our two remaining embryos. Right before transfer the embryologist told us the grade was "just ok"- basically giving us little hope they would be successful. Today James and Laura are thriving 3 year olds. God often works in ways we can't understand and probably never will while here on Earth. I won't ever know why we had to go to such great lengths to have our children- or why we weren't able to have anymore- but our blessings are so great with the two that we do have and for that we are forever grateful.

 In truth we aren't blessed, we are dang lucky.  We are lucky that science worked in our favor and out of the 11 embryos we started with, the two we ended up with actually took and gave us James and Laura.  We are lucky that through Jim's hard work he has been able to make a successful business that has allowed us to purchase tangible things to make our lives filled with items that make us happy and fulfilled.  We are lucky that the hand of God has kept us covered and in good health- but we aren't blessed.  As I write this I think of so many of my friends who are equally hard workers and of equal intelligence, but barely able to pay bills.  I'm thinking of a childhood friend who is still fighting cancer- years after her first diagnosis. I'm thinking of several friends who walk a more Godly path than we tend to, yet struggled to conceive, and are still paying on loans for fertility treatments that resulted in only heartache, not a baby.  As I type this I think of the 1000s of children in foster care, from parents who didn't even think twice about getting pregnant, who didn't pray for years to have them, who didn't sacrifice savings and credit ratings in order to bring them into this world yet here these children are.  

Too often we associate worldly things with God's blessings.  There is a pastor in a mega-church whom I refuse to listen to - because every sermon I've ever heard him preach is about how if we pray hard enough, if we do enough good things, if we are good people we will be blessed here on Earth with a reward from God.  But, while I'm no Biblical scholar, I can't see how that is true.  We can certainly pray to God for these things that our heart desires, but we can't believe that if we don't receive them God has chosen not to bless us.  Our real blessing will be when we are with God - and while all the things in my life are amazing, and I thank God every day for them, they aren't a blessing.  And to call these things on Earth that others yearn, work and pray for blessings seems like a slap in the face of those who haven't received.  So please don't call my children blessings.  They are amazing and I'm so thankful that God allowed me to have them, to raise them and hopefully point them in the right direction, but I'm not #blessed because of them.  I'm blessed because I serve a risen Savior.  

Growing Up is Hard to Do

But not nearly as hard as watching your babies grow up!!!  Today marks our last day with our full-time nanny.  The Spratties start preschool on Monday and Haylee heads off to college full time too.  Even though I know it is best for Haylee and the babies, it doesn't make it any easier.

I've often lamented on this blog that I am at not good at keeping up with posts and pictures.  Well today Miss HayWee took care of that.  She created this awesome video from lots of pictures and videos she took over the last 2.5 years.  Yes, 2.5 years!!! Haylee has been with us since the babies were 10 weeks old and I had to go back to work.  (although technically their first nanny was Miss Bridget who took the first two weeks because Haylee wasn't able to start). 

She has loved these Spratties like they were her own and we are so blessed to have had her with them for so long.  She isn't going far-  she will be helping with pick ups and such.  But it won't be the same.  We already miss her and as always, I'm wishing my babies didn't have to grow up so quickly.  

I'd type more but I'm boo-hooing and words won't do Haylee justice.  But this video is amazing. 

Thank you Haylee! 

The loves of my life aren't "synthetic"

Yesterday could only be considered a "bad day at work" at best.  So getting through it took most of my time and energy.  But as always, I did, and now I'm back to my usual self and catching up with "the real world".  

Over the weekend fashion icons, Dolce and Gabbana, caused a controversy over comments about IVF babies and how families should be made and formed.  The basis of the argument was that children conceived through IVF or other medical procedures are "synthetic" and "unnatural". 

Let me introduce you the Spratties (like you didn't know them already!).  There is nothing that is synthetic or unnatural about these crazy two year olds.  There is nothing unnatural about our family either (unless my insistence on turning the backyard into a free range chicken haven strikes you as odd).  We love each, we love God, we try to eat at home when we can, but take out comes into our lives more than I would like to admit. My kids probably shouldn't know all the words to the Frozen soundtrack but they can count to 20 and almost say their ABC's.  Our home isn't perfect, but it is home.  We fight and there are times we don't like each other- but we always love each other and that is what makes us a family.  Not how they were conceived. 

I will be honest, I was never going to buy D&G items anyway.  So boycotting them wasn't going to impact them because of my beliefs.  But in reality it is more important to me to educate not just those individuals, but others as well.  The stigma around IVF and infertility is still very very real.  You see it in churches, in parenting groups, the media and more importantly- public policy.  God gave us brains and the ability to reason and discover for a reason.  I can't believe that anyone can look at my children and call them unnatural- they are a gift and a miracle.  Jim and I are blessed that we could afford to do what was needed to have them- but it wasn't an ugly thing, it was beautiful. 

Signs of Spring

It is that time of year in Tallahassee when Mother Nature wants to tease us unmercifully.  Last week we had temps down into the 20s - but on Saturday the high was 68 and the sun shined so brightly you felt the overwhelming urge to sun tan.  Even the Spratties kept asking for their pool.  We will probably have a few more days of cold weather before spring officially starts in the Big Bend, but the signs are all there. 

Japanese magnolias are blooming prolifically across the city.  Our blueberry bushes have started to bud (really hoping the last frost of winter doesn't hurt those-  we should have a ton of them this year).  In our own yard Jim expanded our garden area and my seeds that I started have already outgrown their starting house. 

Perhaps the most exciting for me is the addition of chickens!  For years I have hinted, asked and outright begged for chickens.  Jim has said no, refused to answer and finally relented.  Yesterday while he was in Gainesville, he stopped by Alachua County Feed & Seed to purchase our chicks.  15 little chicks made their way back to Tallahassee to become part of Magnolia Farms. 

We are still in the process of building their coop (more pictures to follow) but I am already very happy with our decision to get them.  Besides having a ready supply of eggs (in 6 months or so) I think they will help with the mosquito population that takes over our backyard each summer.  The Spratties already adore them as well.  James named one "Chickoway" (Chick-Fil-A) and loves to pet them.  Laura prefers to hold them and squeals in delight when she sees them.  We have three different breeds-  Black Sex Links, Barred Rock and Araucanas.  No I can't tell you which ones are which.  :-)

While spring has not sprung we are enjoying all the signs...

Today I'm thankful for...

For the past three sessions have I have done a "Session Countdown" through daily thankful posts on Facebook. I started this the year we were gearing up for our first round of fertility treatments.  They were my way of trying to focus on the positive during what is our most stressful time of the year - especially since I bought into many infertility myths that included "just relax and don't stress and it will happen".  As most who will read this know, it happened. But not because of my relaxing session- but because the hands of God were placed into the medical world and we had an amazing combination of science and miracle lead to the birth of our twins.

Going into our fertility treatments we knew that IVF- or in vitro fertilization- was our only option based on our diagnosis. As Christians we really had to think about that. So many religions are against IVF because of the embryos that often get left frozen.  It was hard to wrap our hearts and heads around- but after prayer and one of the only times I felt God personally spoke to me- we proceeded. Let me tell you, I stressed over the thought of extra embryos, you want them desperately because if the first transfer doesn't work you don't want to go through the whole process again and having them makes it an easier way to go. When we started out with 10 embryos I was a ecstatic and scared. What were we going to go with those extras? How long would we be willing to leave them frozen? Would we be willing to donate them to a couple who wasn't able to have children?

In the end I worried for nothing. By the time we got to our transfer date we only had two viable embryos left- embabies is what all my infertility boards called them. Obviously those embabies became James and Laura and two years later they are the most crazy and adorable kids I have ever known. Yes, I know I'm partial. God answered all our prayers in the most amazing way and I don't have to worry about any of my babies remaining frozen indefinitely.

It is National Infertility Awareness Week and unlike any other day or week that we have in this state, nation or world I haven't seen a single post on it.  So I'm once again telling the miraculous infertility story that is mine so that others can stop feeling ashamed or embarrassed about their story- so we can raise awareness of this very real disease that affects millions of people everyday. Many of whom you know because you know me and since first sharing our story I have been confided in time and time again by those going through the same thing. As a nation who embraces every disease and infliction with pride and dollars for research and pushes for insurance coverage we need to be inclusive as we always are. Because of the expense of these treatments few can afford on their own. Many go into debt to have a chance for children- and even then come up empty. We need to make adoption an equally affordable option as well ( it is actually usually even more expensive than fertility treatments).

So today I am thankful for God's promise for me coming through modern medicine.  And the strength he gives me to share a very personal story.  What are you thankful for?

Our embabies 5 minutes before transfer 4-18-2012

How Time Flies...

So hard to believe this pictures was taken at the babies 3 month photo session.  Hard to believe they are now 4 months old-- really 4 1/2 months!  I tried to do a couple of blogs but for whatever reason the website would not let me upload photos and a blog without photos of the babies didn't seem fair. 

My last post was ironically, exactly one month before the babies were born.  I was already on bed rest for pre-eclampsia for the previous four weeks so I thought I was more than ready to see my babies.  And I was, but looking back I wish we could have kept them baking a little longer.  They were so tiny to me when they were born.  James weighing 5lbs 4oz and Laura weighing 6lbs even.  They say you forget labor.  I guess it is true.  I remember thinking that I couldn't do it, that it hurt too bad- but I can't remember the pain anymore.  We went to the hospital on Thursday night and started my induction.  By Friday evening I was in full blown labor.  I thought for sure they would arrive before Saturday-  but around midnight they slowed down my pitocin and things slowed down considerably.  Around 4:30 they moved me to the operating room (in case Laura rolled and had to be delivered via c-section) At 5:36 James was born and 30 minutes later Laura joined. 

Finally getting to hold my new babies-  still in the operating room but they let me hold them the whole way back to our room

Together again

I've learned that nothing ever goes the way you planned- so I was prepared for that.  I wasn't prepared for how protective I was going to be.  I knew ahead of time I didn't want anyone at the hospital while we were in labor but if I could go back I would actually ask that no one even come to the hospital.  I wish I had more time alone with them- just us as a family before the rest of the world intruded. 

But the world does intrude and time goes by so quickly.  It is amazing and exhausting being a Mom.  I can't imagine life without them and unlike many parents I keep wishing for them to stay just as they are.  Every night I go into their rooms and kiss them one more time before I got to bed.  I hold them and just hope that they want to snuggle forever, even though I know they won't.  I watch their personalities develop and I hope the traits I see mirroring mine or Jim's don't cause them as much heartache as they have us.  A day still haven't gone by that I haven't cried when thinking about them.  They are growing so quickly and have already changed so much. 

Since I haven't found the time to do much blogging or even scrap booking of them I wanted to upload a few pictures of the last few months...

First Christmas Eve

First bath for Laura

First bath for James



Gator babies at their newborn session

Big boy and girl-  4 months old on Tax Day!!!

One Call

Dear Babies-

There will be many moments in your lives where one event totally changes the course of your life. Rarely will you know when they occur- and it is often years later before you can pinpoint them. After a long, sad and drawn out week and election I realized one of those moments in my life, and thus yours.

In the summer of 2007 I was working for a Representative who, while a nice man, was done with state politics and about to resign his position. This of course, would have left me without a job. I was also dating a man, that again, while nice, was totally inappropriate for me. I made the decision to start looking for a new job out in the Florida panhandle (I was still in Orlando) that would allow me to be closer to him. I interviewed for a job with an agricultural organization that would have taken me completely out of politics- but back in an industry I love. Even after the interview and follow-up interview I was torn about the position- but knew that if it was offered it would be best for me personally and professionally. I remember, ironically enough, meeting your Dad at a Gainesville restaurant after my second interview and talking about the job. It was the week his divorce was slated to become final- so we talked a long time about that and the possibilities of the job. I left Gainesville that day knowing if they offered me the job I was going to take it.

The next day they did offer me the job- at a salary a little lower than I had expected so I told them I needed a day to think it over. I have no idea what I did that- I had never not taken a job that I wanted in the past. God must have been sending me a signal.

So, the next day I called the man back to accept the position, but he wasn't there and I just left a message asking him to call me back. 10 minutes later I received another phone call, this time from one of the men gearing up to run for my current boss' seat. We talked about his race, his future plans and while he understood why I was looking for a new job, he would really like it if I stayed where I was, helped with his campaign and his future aspirations. I didn't know him well, knew he was going to have a tough primary, wasn't sure if I would like working for him- but again, God must have sent me a signal. I decided to risk "a bird in the hand" for what could be. At that moment I went "all-in" for this man and candidate.

It was a long summer and a tough race. In the end he won his primary election by 72 votes and went on the win the general as well. Things ended between myself and the inappropriate boyfriend and when I went back to Tallahassee for that first committee week with my new member I ended up at a Christmas party at your Dad's house...I guess you could say the rest of that story is your history.

Fast forward to 2012- the elections on the state and national level are nasty and uncertain thanks to redistricting. The man I risked my career on has done well in his job and is slated to be Speaker of the House in 2014. Another long campaign that I am proud to be a part of. But now, instead of not knowing him and wondering if I want to work for him I consider him a friend. Someone I can turn to if I'm in trouble or need help- personally and professionally. While I had moved on into a new chapter in my career I still felt like I was part of the team. During the previous years I watched the media try to take him down time and time again- but he always persevered.  The night of the election we were with your Dad's candidate and I had all of those Supervisor of Elections sites streaming- he was winning. I was watching other races that I was interested in with mixed results. But I wasn't watching my friend's- so I was shocked when I got the first text saying things weren't going well for him. The end result of that night, after recounts, is that he lost his seat.

I know that you felt my pain for him- for the last week whenever I have thought about him, our history, the election and my anger at how he was treated I felt you both move- or felt the contractions my feelings caused. Even as I sit here typing I'm feeling one. So I apologize for the undue stress that I put on you (but you're Spratts- so you have to be fairly hard headed and tough so I'm not too worried). But why I am writing this letter to you is more than an apology. It is a wish and a thank you.

I wish for you many moments in your life that may seem inconsequential to you at that time but have huge impacts on your life. I wish for them to be mostly positive, but I wish for you to experience some hardship too so you can know the value of good times. I wish for you friends that are worthy of you feeling heartache for them, worthy of you crying for their loss- even days or weeks after it happens. I wish for you relationships that inspire you to take risks with your personal life and your professional life and I wish for you the relationship with God that allows him to gently and often quietly point you in the direction to know who is worthy of those risks and who is not.

And I want to thank you Chris, my candidate turned boss turned true friend for that one call- timed perfectly- that changed the direction of my life. The call that brought me and Jim together and the call that allowed me have these babies that I can't wait to meet. And I wish for you one call that leads you to the amazing things I know God has in store for you.